


Listen, Jim

by excessnight



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Grief, M/M, and honestly that's the only warning i'll give, cause i cried while writing this, cause i want this to kinda rip you apart and make you feel, chances you might cry, feels warning coming at ya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 18:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2279583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excessnight/pseuds/excessnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They did whatever they could for him, and even if it destroyed him in the end, they still loved him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Listen, Jim

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [[翻譯]Listen, Jim 聽著，Jim](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2593349) by [Naii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naii/pseuds/Naii)



> Just a warm up fic so that I get motivated to write my chapter one, Insomnia (also Mcspirk, you should check it out when it's up). Inspired by the song Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer.
> 
>  
> 
> Guys, a kind user by the name of Naii translated this work into Chinese. http://archiveofourown.org/works/2593349 here it is! This is so awesome, I'm truly flattered.

"Jim, you shouldn't be beating yourself up like this. It's not your fault. We died to protect you."

"I agree, Jim you must know we love you and we were only trying to protect you."

"He can't hear you Spock," Leonard said with a sad smile as he turned to look at his ghostly companion.

"Why is that?" Spock asked clearly surprised.

"Jim never believed in ghosts. Wasn't like that. Never would be like that. Even if he wanted to, he can't see and will probably never hear us. Doesn't even know we're here."

And in that moment they took the attention off themselves and focused on Jim. He had come to either drink himself into a drunken fit and then beat anything near into a broken mess before he pulled himself sobbing into bed, where he'd pass out. It was painful to watch on good nights, but for some reason, being dead halted all feelings of sharing in the living man's pain. All they could really feel was the great love they felt for him and the slightly unquestionable guilty feeling from their selfless act of protectiveness. Selfless. That's what it had been, but really it was selfish. It was either they gave their lives for him or they lost him. They chose before he ever knew and gave it all up to keep him safe.

"He looks so beautiful when he sleeps," Leonard said softly even though Jim couldn't hear him. "Why didn't I ever know this?"

"You did not? I could have sworn you crawled out of bed early on our honeymoon to make breakfast," Spock mused as he gently reached his hand out to link it with Leonard's. He was surprised but equally happy at how relaxing it was to express emotion now that he was dead and nothing was holding him back.

"That was you, hun. I'm not a mornin' man," Leonard said as he twined his fingers with Spock's and smiled. They no longer had their rings and that only drew Leonard's eyes to the three ones that rested on Jim's left hand. He held one on his ring finger, another on his middle finger, and the last on his index. His, Leonard's, and Spock's. It was a beautiful sight and Leonard felt his breath catch metaphorically in his chest, seeing as he didn't necessarily have to breathe. Noticing the sight, Spock lifted his hand and kissed the back of it before lowering it down and smiling unabashedly.

"He is awakening," Spock commented and watched silently as a stifled sob erupted from Jim's chest and he startled awake, somewhat shaking and disorientated on what was happening around him. It was already past noon and they had been waiting on him to open his eyes for a while. While they were undoubtedly guilty for his pain, they could only lavish in their love for him and watch these peaceful moments of bliss and try to convey their love to him. He somehow managed to push himself up from his chest and with shaky arms somehow held himself above his pillow before they gave out and he fell face first into the plush, a shaken sob leaving him. Leonard and Spock didn't say a word as they watched him, unsure of what really to even say.

It didn't take Jim long before he was pulling himself out of bed, trying to get into a standing position before he was collapsing to floor.

"He is hungover," Spock concluded without a second thought, trying to convince himself of Jim's real pain.

"Sure, hun. I won't tell you otherwise," Leonard said and relaced his fingers with Spock and tried not to squeeze. It was hard to watch as Jim couldn't even find the energy to pull himself off of the carpet. It was a minute or so before the man pushed himself up and somehow stumbled to face the door. And Leonard had been the first one to gasp. Of course he had seen Jim every single day since he died and there wasn't a day he went without seeing the man when they were alive, but this...  _this_ was a whole nother level of Jim. His eyes were hard and steely, closing off whatever emotion was just rolling under the surface of his skin. His whole body reeked death and without any mistake, the once doctor noticed the red rimmed eyes of lack of sleep, depression, grief, emotional exhaustion and a number of other things he couldn't fix. Jim hadn't even bothered to keep up appearances, his face scratchy with hair he had let grow without a care in the world, hair a wild disorder. Some part of Leonard would have found it unmistakably sexy at some point, but it made him feel nothing but guilt and love now. Guilt that he could not hold him and love for his broken man.

And Spock felt similar affects. Seeing Jim like such, so torn and deprived of life, was the worst thing to experience. Although he couldn't feel the necessary emotions which he had the grace of experiencing while alive, he knew he felt adoration. Elation. Pride and love. The worst, most uncalled for emotions to ever feel seeing the one he loved crumbling in front of him as he was. He still felt completely at peace and relaxed. And when he noticed the rings which had once belonged to him and Leonard he was almost taken away at the sight, smiling completely. Of course he always noticed them, but he really noticed them now in Jim's utter state of grief. He knew they were there, had known the moment Jim had forced them on his fingers, when he then resized them later so they fit perfectly, or how he never took them off.

"He has us still, why is he upset? We have not left, we did not stop loving him," Spock said as he tried to wrap his head around Jim's pain. He understood it but could not feel it. And some part of his former self of logic tried to fit that into death. Tried to fit not feeling emotions he once felt with questions and answers. Death refused to let him feel pain at his "selfless" act out of love and so he tried, always, to find another way to understand a way to 'feel'.

"Of course not. We probably never will either. But we can't hold him. Can't touch him. And that hurts. You know how much he needed that. How hungry he was for that phsyical touch."

"I did. I must admit that I do miss that as well," Spock commented even though he was holding Leonard's hand. It wasn't the same. "He has not stopped loving us, you do not believe?"

"He will never stop loving us," Leonard said in a soft voice as he watched the man starting to unfold under some unknown pressure. "We were  _married,_ Spock. Bonded. Hell we had been together for years. You just don't stop loving someone in that amount of time after someone dies. Did you just stop loving him the moment you realized, oh hey, I'm dead?"

"No, that is absurd. I could never stop loving Jim. Nor would I ever want to stop loving him or you. You are both important to me," Spock said as he watched Jim in front of them and felt guilt creep over his skin in prickly tendrils that would eventually draw imaginary blood in their wake. Tears were now falling down Jim's cheeks and he couldn't move. He was just standing there, staring off into some distant part of his room. It was a point close enough to Spock and Leonard that they could convince themselves he had seen them, but they were smarter than that. Smarter than to let themselves believe such a pathetic lie.

As the continued to watch their husband, they noticed how he slowly slipped to his knees and he let out the most wretched sobs a being could muster, all but screaming in pain as he let the tears stream down his face. His entire body completely breaking down under the weight of self-hatred and anger he felt at losing the two most important people in his life. Being forced now to live on his own without them without knowing why.

"Come back, Jesus fucking Christ. Just come back... I didn't fucking  _ask_ you to do that. I never wanted you to leave. I never  _asked_ you to just fucking give up your lives for me. That isn't how love works. That isn't what we agreed on when we said 'until death do us part'. That's not how bonds work. Get fucking back here, you two fucking dumbasses. Come home, come home, Christ. Come home," he sobbed out as he beat into his knees and his shoulders shook. The pain rippled across his whole body and he wasn't sure he would ever be able to keep on living, not without them. "I love you, I love you, come home. Jesus, just... Just come back, please."

"We're here Jim, we aren't leaving. We're home," Leonard whispered as he could only feel guilt deep in his gut at the sight. "We've never left."

"We love you, t'hy'la. We could never leave you forever," Spock said as he smiled and gripped Leonard's hand tighter. " _Ashau nash-veh du."_

"Listen, Jim. Look. I promise you, we've never left..."

Though no matter what they said, no matter how loud they screamed or how much he hurt, Jim would never see them. And it wasn't quite clear who that hurt the most, them or him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed despite the pain.


End file.
